Hasta La Ideas

I’VE JUST ABOUT HAD IT with trying to find answers to questions I have in internet forums. Something about internet forums turns people into didactic idiots who are dying to share what they know–completely independent of your question.

Here’s an example: Let’s say I wanted to buy good tomatoes in Chicago. That’s it. Here are the responses I would get:

Q: Does anyone know where I can buy good tomatoes in Chicago?

1. Forget about tomatoes, you need to buy zucchinis. Try Chicago’s Zucchini Emporium.

2. I know this place in Chicago that used to sell awesome tomatoes, but they closed five years ago.

3. Tomatoes in Chicago suck. Philly has the best tomatoes.

4. RE: “Philly has the best tomatoes” No way dude, New York tomatoes are best.

5. Why would you want to buy tomatoes? Tomatoes are for [insert racial/cultural epithet here].

6. I know three places in Chicago that sell terrible tomatoes.

7. If you’re going to Chicago you should check out this jazz bar at _____.

8. OMG I’m looking for Chicago tomatoes too, please e-mail me if you find a place.

9. I didn’t know you could buy tomatillos in Chicago.

10. This might be off-topic, but does anyone know where I can buy chinchillas in Toledo?

I know those answers might not seem accurate to you; that’s because I took pains to spell everything correctly.

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