Hasta La Ideas

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

The first weekend of May each year is the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival in Howard County, Maryland. For those of you who have not attended (probably most of you), it is similar to a state or county fair but with no cows, no pigs, and nothing carved out of butter. Almost all of the vendors are selling yarn, raw wool, farm supplies for caring for your flock of sheep, or food made out of lamb (which, is a little disturbing at first, but you get over it because lamb sausage tastes amazing). There are also 4-H style competitions regarding sheep breeding and herding and it is a wonderfully good time, seriously.

I have been to the Sheep and Wool Festival numerous times over the years and, although I claim my favorite part of my day is looking at some of the most beautiful yarns made in the US, it really isn’t my favorite part. Here’s a secret: my favorite thing about the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival is eating a deep fat fried Twinkie.

I do not, as a general principle, eat Twinkies. They terrify me. I watched the time lapse video of a Twinkie never rotting and that sort of put an end to my desire to ever consume them or feed them to my kids. I like to eat food that eventually can go bad. Except, once a year, the siren call of the fried Twinkie beckons me — a Twinkie on a stick, dipped in sweet batter, deep fried, and then sprinkled with powdered sugar. I don’t know how, but it is truly delicious.

This week, an Unclutterer staff writer emailed me a picture of the Twinkie Maker and my temptation went into overdrive. I could MAKE MY OWN TWINKIES!

My homemade Twinkies wouldn’t have any preservatives and they could actually rot! I could make deep fried Twinkies at home whenever I wanted! I could …

And that is when the answer struck me.

The reason deep fried Twinkies taste so good is because of all the fat and preservatives and things that make it so horrible for me. A “healthy Twinkie” is not a Twinkie at all. It’s a thing wanting to be an actual Twinkie, a sub-par pathetic replica. It’s like tofu pretending to be meat or flax pretending to be an egg. The only way to enjoy a deep fried Twinkie is at the Festival, once a year, among beautiful yarn and barking border collies.

Alas, the Twinkie Maker is nothing but a unitasker in sheep’s clothing.

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