Hasta La Ideas

Reader Viktoria submitted the following to Ask Unclutterer:

My question has to do with the fact that my top priority (my husband and son) fight over me with my top necessity (finishing my dissertation [by December]). I believe this is a situation that most of us go through at some point of our lives, but we have run out of solutions, and still, it is not working out.

So this is the situation: my husband is at work most of the day, and I am at home with our 10-month old son. My husband arrives home just in time to walk the dogs, to give the baby a bath to have at least SOME time with him, and to help to put him to sleep. And then, when we could finally have some time together, there is my unfinished dissertation … This is where the dilemma sets in: I either try to have a decent quality time with my man and feel guilty for not writing, or — vice versa, writing and feeling very sorry for not being able to spend the little time we have together.

I tried to work when the baby sleeps during the day, but was very tired and then realized it is much wiser to catch up on my own sleep. In my effort to deal with this, I have given up on ironing, anything that is not on the super-priority list … and yet, my life is just a mixture of frustration, fatigue and occasional passing moments of victory when my mom comes over and babysits for two or three hours, or during weekends, when my two men have a couple of hours together. They both enjoy it, but toward the end of such a day our little one is definitely in need of me and no one else.

And as such, would you be willing to give us some of your insights on how to prioritize what is already prioritized, but not handled?

I’m usually fairly confident in the advice I give in this column. Today … not so much. Viktoria, it’s probably best if you take the following advice as merely one suggestion of many that you should consider. It is far from being law. This is simply what I would do (and have done) in a very similar situation.

The first thing you need to do is identify what you are going to do with your dissertation when you earn it. Are you going to go into academia or the corporate world and use it? If so, when are you going to start networking and going to conferences and doing all that you need to do to get into the job market? You’ll have to work just as hard to get a job (resume writing, interviewing, research, etc.) as you did on your dissertation — the job of your dreams isn’t going to land in your lap the second you defend your dissertation. You should be working now with your adviser to schedule when you will officially go into the job market so that you don’t finish your dissertation too late or too early for the hiring period associated with your concentration. If you don’t have plans to go into the job market in the next 12 months, why are you worried about your dissertation now?

If you plan to stay home with your child until he goes off to school, get permission to delay your dissertation until the time around when you will go onto the job market. Simply put, you will not be able to finish your dissertation while being the primary care giver for your child and living a life with your family as your top priority. I’m speaking from experience here, it’s unbearably stressful. I’ve had to delay my second book until my son started preschool because it’s impossible to focus on anything other than him when I’m the one caring for him. The second your son starts walking and running around your house, and when your son moves down to just one nap a day, you’ll have even less time to focus on your dissertation than you do now. Why make your life a living ball of stress if you don’t have to? Focus your attention instead on the little bundle of joy who will only be a baby/toddler/little boy once and your husband when you’re together.

If you don’t plan to stay home with your son until he starts school, the only way to finish your dissertation now is to hire a nanny to care for your son while your husband is at work. You are not a superwoman. There are only 24 hours in a day and you only have so much energy and attention to give. Bring in someone to watch your child while you work. (And, yes, writing a dissertation IS work.) If you were off working in an office and your husband were home working on his dissertation, would anyone question him getting a nanny for your son? No. And no one will question you doing it. So, if you want to go through with the dissertation right now, your son needs a nanny.

I’ll also ask the question … do you ever plan to use your dissertation? If the answer is no, strongly consider resigning from the program. Accept your Everything But Dissertation and be on your way. My mom did exactly that and was able to determine that she ended up making more money over the course of her career as a result. I also stopped after my master’s degree because I realized getting my doctorate wouldn’t improve my salary or my chances of success. However, I wasn’t going into academia, I was going into writing … which doesn’t even require a high school diploma … so even the master’s degree is complete overkill … which means take what I just said with a giant grain of salt (or even a mound of giant grains of salt).

Again, this is not law, but this is how I see things. You have three choices — delay the dissertation for a few years until you’re ready to go on the job market and can devote your full attention to it, get a nanny and finish the dissertation by December, or stop pursuing your dissertation completely if it won’t help your career. I hope I helped, but mostly I just hope I didn’t muddle the waters even more.

Thank you, Viktoria, for submitting your question for our Ask Unclutterer column. Please check the comments for more suggestions. If all goes well, one of us might have the perfect answer for you.

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