Hasta La Ideas

In 2008, artist Noam Toran’s funny but sad “Accessories for Lonely Men” made it into the MoMA. A series of “eight electronic devices designed to alleviate loneliness by simulating the sometimes annoying traces that one’s companion would normally leave behind,” it consisted of things that made you feel like you had a bed mate, like the motorized Sheet Thief and the Heavy Breather, while the Plate Thrower simulated the aftermath of a lover’s quarrel.

Three years later Stuart Karten Design has proposed, via blog, a companion “Accessories for Lonely Women” series of objects. Alas they’ve not brought it to the rendering stage, so the concepts exist only in print:

In honor of all of the women who have meaningful lives and successful careers, but sometimes want come home at night and experience the companionship of another person, read on as SKD introduces Accessories for Lonely Women: products and services banish the more painful symptoms of solitude.

Automated text love: Men aren’t the best at this in real life, but it makes women feel oh so loved: This service sends messages of love and affection to your phone and Facebook wall throughout the day. Unexpected messages on your wall such as “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met” will put a smile on a woman’s face, and tell the world that she is loved. In reality, these messages are coming from a computer program sourced in India, but they most certainly make up for that outward expression of emotion that real men sometimes lack. So – perhaps this is better than the real thing after all?

Beard confetti: One of the constant reminders that there is a man in your life are the tiny stubs of hair scattered all over your bathroom sink and floor: the ever present beard confetti. This automated sprayer plugs into your bathroom outlet and sprays tiny stubs of hair all over your sink for you to clean up – prompting the same matronly feelings of frustration with a real man’s lack of cleanliness.

“Let’s see what else is on” remote: Notorious for their short attention span and love of all things athletic, men are the best at changing the channel just as you are becoming immersed in this week’s Top Chef episode. This remote changes the channel to ESPN, and channel surfs unexpectedly while you watch TV. You can even argue with it, and it will reply with statements like “But I have to see the highlights!” or “Babe let’s see what else is on.”

Foot warmer that warms your heart: Possibly one of the most comforting products for lonely women comes in the form of a prosthetic leg. Okay, not really. This warm calf shaped log is made as a place to warm your feet in bed. Just stick it under your covers and the texture of a man’s leg will provide a secure place to warm up your toes after crawling into bed.

“White Noise” bodily sound machine: Last but not least – this is not just a fart machine, ladies. This ongoing stream of sound mimics the everyday ‘life-related’ noises a male companion would make. Ambient noises of shuffling, burping and occasionally farting make you feel as if someone is really there to produce those sounds that we women just love to hate.

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